sick
May 27, 2005this is not good. i think i just developed some kind of hyperacidity because intense pains bloom in my tummy at irregular intervals and i strongly suspect that the last few days’ stress has ushered it in. was unable to function in any useful way last night except for being able to watch Lost and then degenerating into a curled ball of pain and irritation.
May 26, 2005
that’s a bit of a relief.
at least to admit to myself that, as of this moment of my life, routine and the mundane dominate my waking hours.
complacency and comfort zones.
working blind. i have no idea where i’m heading. i don’t see the point of what i stress myself over every day.
i miss writing poems.
*sigh*
bookmarks
in the same folder are my links to neil gaiman and the dream-king.
it cheers me up to read how unsatisfactory even a dream-king’s daily life can be.
neil simply inspires me and gives me hope.
feeding frenzy
been knocking myself out to sleep with marathon episodes and drowning afterwards in the soundtracks. pushing myself to eke out even a meager paragraph. work is eating me alive again.
so i stuff my head with fictional memories and force my heart to remember by watching those episodes in fairy tale format. where the new person wins over history.
because i seem to have lost the capacity to feel intensity and rage.
and because deep, deep, deep inside i know.
i am not at all perfectly happy.
(on the other hand, who’d want to be perfectly happy? people like that die early.)
May 25, 2005
it was late. we were in my workstation. as the evening ripened our conversation had less to do with work and more with bantering, like rediscovering riding a bike, like the old times, when anything was a possibility. more and more the back of his fingers reached out to slide softly on my arm or on my shouler. suddenly my workstation seemed too cramped. and the silences between the laughters grew infinitesimally longer each time. then he grasps my hand, tight, like he was trying to squeeze an answer, or a revelation, or even a secret. and then he takes a deep breath, and in that usual way of his he maneuvers for a quick hug, laced with unspoken thoughts. because the snowglobe where the two of us meet in compromise can only hold so much of the heavy echoes of our voices.
gregory, a particularly cynical friend, abruptly appears. he has made it one of his life goals to startle people to death by sneaking up on them and suddenly speaking in a loud voice. this time, for the first time, he missed his cue, opting for hasty exit.
the next day gregory came to my workstation and asked in a serious voice, “are you having an affair?”
i said, “no. i am having revenge.”
eating away…
May 24, 2005…at my patience is what work is doing now. particularly my boss who just refuses to let go of things that should already be delegated. today Flo has to attend a meeting without having seen any of the sheets he intends to present to the client, and the not-so-funny thing is, he’s supposed to be selling some of our work so why haven’t we been properly briefed and updated on this? i think he’s taking too much while compromising on a lot of other things. he needs to straighten out his priorities and allow the rest of us some breathing room to make things grow and work.
sleepy sickness
my stress level must be very high. i have been feeling really sleepy since yesterday. as in big yawns every two minutes. eyes heavy as honey. it’s my flight mode trying to assert itself. escaping through dreams. shutting out everything else.
monday
May 23, 2005doing a bit of an overtime. i think i need to do a bit of dirty work these next few days. my team, especially my junior ones, seem to have bitten off more than they can chew. time for my kind of magic to make things all better again.
chicago’s not happening. the budgets couldn’t make it happen.
agitated
May 19, 2005
Well, I did play hooky last Monday. Called in sick. But I did do some work in the morning, uninterrupted by phone calls and ambush consultations. Then in the late afternoon I did get sick. Very bad headache. Must be the data encoding. Strained my eyes. Not to mention the abominable heat. Yesterday was a draining day. My boss got quite… frustrating and tiring. I don’t know what he’s really driving at but I get the feeling he’s really trying hard to model my team into some UK-based practices. Which I don’t entirely buy into. It didn’t help that yesterday was a hectic day and I ended up ranting to BV (the client service director who’s a dear friend and ally) and we both ended up going to the dream-king to try to clarify some work process matters. Because in the previous meeting just half an hour before I ranted to BV, the dream-king was making so much sense. He was clearly expressing what he needed from my team and what our roles are given the actual work process we’re doing. And so we were there in his office, which remained unlit and dim in the late afternoon. The blinds were half-drawn and the filtered sun softly tinged the room in gold, falling on half the dream-king’s face as he talked so much sense that I actually liked him again and forgave him his previous arrogance if only because he validated me right at that moment when I needed it even when he unknowingly did so.
sloth
May 16, 2005
Tough time getting up. My sleeping cycle went quite crazy. Not to mention that my vegetation yesterday probably didn’t help. I basically stayed in bed. Didn’t even eat much. Just drank lots because of the heat. Must be the weather. I could hardly exert effort without almost collapsing. Melting is actually a better word. I don’t feel like working today. My self feels like it wants a vacation, a real one, like doing nothing at all on the beach except reading and napping, without the stress and pressure of having to pay for anyone else or having to accommodate the needs of anyone else. Maybe I should check out some deals for Boracay or Bohol. Or maybe even Palawan.
ten minutes later
Am having thoughts of calling in sick today. Am just not in the mood to work. In the office at least. I think I could work at home. But somehow the thought of being in the office the whole day does not appeal to me at the moment. Hmm…
of kingdoms and princes
May 14, 2005
Watched Kingdom of Heaven. Not bad. Orlando Bloom should seriously consider keeping his hair straight. Didn’t care much for the only female character in the story. Weak. Am just not used to women like that anymore. I much prefer Rachel Weisz for instance in The Mummy series or even Keira Knightley in King Arthur (which by the way is so far the most interesting version of the legend I’ve ever seen). The way Orlando Bloom looked in Kingdom, I realized he would make a good Prince of Persia, for Sands of Time. He could take with him that actor who played Saladin and make him the maharajah.
luck
May 13, 2005
Friday the 13th. Most people would exert the effort to ignore the fact. On the contrary, I like Friday the 13th. Things actually go pretty well for me. Reversed curse effect. Vestiges of my past in the Dreaming. The luck of a fairy’s love.
over a tub of salad
May 10, 2005here i am in the office, eating what was supposed to be my lunch. a tubful of leaves with a spatter of squid rings, mangoes and grapes, and a generous dollop of some tasty but only slightly creamy dressing.
pacey called to check if i was working late because if so he would be coming to work with me on that project we were supposed to be working on, or more accurately, that i am helping him out on. a possibility flashed in my mind and then i lied to him and said that i was almost leaving. that was an hour ago, and i am still here finishing up on some bits and pieces and eating my tub of salad. briefly i thought it would be nice for him to see me in my white skirt and really hip top which i got from chatuchak market. but then i am also tired and crampy and in no mood to play tv show.
mad rush update
May 4, 2005okay, so what’s been up with me? went to bali for work. went to bangkok for fun. went to batangas for work. extended the trip and went to puerto galera for fun.
my creek-y past has been showing up lately. pacey needs me for some project and last friday we worked quite late and when we finished up he planted a kiss on my forehead.
today i finished the evaluations and feedback session for my team. mine’s due on friday. the management says any salary adjustments will be effective in june. i hope i qualify.
i got a new computer unit. well, more of a second-hand computer unit but it plays Doom 3 which my first computer couldn’t. so now i have two gaming computers at home. and a PS2. and a PS1. and i just requested ze boyfriend for an xbox as a combination birthday-christmas gift. if i get it i’ll probably get the xbox version of the new Tomb Raider game. (check out Tomb Raider: Legend in http://www.gamespot.com)
i did my self-evaluation in preparation for the feedback session on friday and i guess i am a wee bit surprised at what came out for my career path portion. either i’m too tired to change careers or too scared to pursue anything else beyond as a hobby or therapy or i just really like my job now and enjoy the general feeling of superiority.
bump
March 29, 2005had a bump into the creek-y past. alv dropped by to drop off some magazines and we chatted briefly and as he was about to leave he mentioned that pacey’s wife had given birth and there was probably this strange look on my face and i knew i had to explain myself and what came out was “i don’t really care. this news means nothing to me.” and alv’s eyes were round as saucers and he ended up staying for about 15 minutes as i gave him a quick rundown of why i am saying such…horrible-sounding…things. alv is a friend so i don’t mind telling him and he has such a hilarious way of reacting to each main point in the story that it was almost refreshing to relive the old chapters of my life. at least there are no longer cold constrictions around the heart in the telling and no more goosebumps of rage that flashes each time i remember.
j has actually suggested that i could write a book about it, give it a lot of twists a la bantock, a la gaiman, a la hodgson. after tonight’s spontaneous story-telling i am considering it. it still has a lot of fuel in it. still strong scents and textures and sounds. maybe it’s worth a draft or something.
naming
March 4, 2005when i have kids and if they are boys i will name them Constantine and Corinthian.
unless i could get away with naming one of them Lucifer.
if i have daughters i will name them after the Kindly Ones.
visitation
i watched constantine last tuesday and that same night i had a visitation. must have been all those thoughts crossing over and disturbing the thin veil between the worlds. i was startled awake between two and three in the morning, my own witching schedule. i hate being startled awake during these hours because that’s when everything seems to be active. i woke up and immediately noted that the streetlamps outside the windows were all extinguished and there was nothing but a black sheet of dark. then i saw the curtain shimmer like there was a semi-invisible glob of water as big as a head gliding along its length and it floated at the foot of my bed and then it made a quick dive on my foot! i felt it. i felt this very very light bump and nudge on my foot and then a bit up my leg and then it soared up again and was gone.
my hands went cold and a voiceless “mommy!” squeaked out of me and then i realized that everyone would be fast asleep. so i turned on the TV and wrapped myself tightly in the blanket and pretended that it was only the movie playing tricks on me.
peace
February 16, 2005ran into Gij and there was a split second of wondering if i should say hello and she said hello first so i responded in kind she mustered up the courage to kiss me a happy birthday. and then i texted her suggesting a lunch and she said sure and also added that it was nice to see me. and i guess that means we’re friends again and i realize that i don’t really mind because i no longer feel any animosity towards her and right now the reasons we fell apart seemed petty especially after the leaps i have made in my own career even without her help.
birth day
February 14, 2005
At home. Burning back-up copies of all my work files. While simultaneously writing this blog/journal and trying to read the articles assigned for today at school. I have a huge spindle of blank CDs waiting to be written on. The activity is mundane and monotonous in a soothing kind of way. Kind of blanks the mind at a certain level and keeps the stress demons at bay.
